Neurodivergent Therapy

Neurodivergent and a Victim of Domestic Violence: Why It’s So Often Missed

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 If you’re neurodivergent — living with ADHD, autism, BPD, or other forms of divergent wiring — you may have been taught to doubt yourself.

You may have been told you’re “too sensitive,” “too reactive,” or “too much.”
You may have spent a lifetime masking, people-pleasing, or struggling to advocate for your needs.
And if you’ve experienced domestic violence, you may have also been told:

  • “It wasn’t that bad.”
  • “You provoked them.”
  • “You’re overreacting.”
  • “You’re hard to live with.”

This is gaslighting. And when you’re neurodivergent, it can be especially disorienting — because you’ve already spent years wondering if you’re the problem.

🚨 Neurodivergent People Are at Higher Risk for Abuse

Studies show that individuals with autism, ADHD, and BPD are more likely to experience domestic violence, including emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. And yet, they’re less likely to be believed when they report it.

Why?

Because the symptoms of trauma and neurodivergence often overlap:

  • Emotional dysregulation
  • Meltdowns or shutdowns
  • Difficulty with communication under stress
  • Non-typical responses to fear (e.g., going still instead of crying or yelling)
  • Sensory overload mistaken for “drama” or “manipulation”

Abusers often exploit these traits — and use them to discredit the victim. Especially in court systems, custody cases, or among mutual friends, neurodivergent survivors are frequently labeled as “unstable” or “unreliable,” while their abuser comes off as calm and collected.

💥 Why It’s Hard to Leave

1. Masking and confusion.
You may minimize the abuse because you’ve been conditioned to believe you’re the problem. You may think, “Maybe I just didn’t communicate well. Maybe I misunderstood.”

2. Trauma bonds + RSD.
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria makes the idea of being alone — or disliked — excruciating. The cycle of love-bombing and abuse creates an emotional addiction that’s hard to break.

3. Executive dysfunction.
Leaving isn’t just an emotional decision. It requires logistics, planning, money, support — all of which can feel impossible when you’re overwhelmed.

4. Sensory dependence.
You may rely on certain routines, comforts, or items in the home. The idea of starting over in a loud, unfamiliar, chaotic place (like a shelter) may feel worse than staying.

5. Guilt and shame.
You’ve been blamed so many times, you’ve internalized it. You might even defend your abuser to others — or yourself.

🧠 When People Don’t Believe You

One of the most painful things neurodivergent survivors face is being disbelieved.

You may express emotion “too much” — or “not enough.” You may struggle to tell your story in a linear way. You may freeze under pressure, mix up timelines, or shut down completely. These responses are trauma responses, not proof that you’re lying.

You deserve to be believed. You deserve to be safe. And you don’t have to perform pain a certain way to prove you’re being hurt.

🛠️ What Healing Can Look Like

1. Rebuilding your inner compass.
Abuse teaches you not to trust yourself. Healing means learning to listen to your gut again — and honoring what it tells you.

2. Naming the abuse.
It wasn’t just “toxic.” It wasn’t just “hard.” It was abusive. Putting accurate language to your experience is part of reclaiming your power.

3. Nervous system recovery.
Your body has been in survival mode. Therapy can help you regulate, feel safe again, and slowly reconnect with your feelings.

4. Grieving the dream.
Leaving doesn’t just mean walking away from a person. It means grieving the idea of what you hoped the relationship would be. That’s real and valid.

5. Finding ND-affirming support.
You need a therapist who understands how neurodivergence impacts your responses, choices, and ability to recover. Someone who won’t pathologize your pain — but will help you make sense of it.

🫶 You Are Not Broken. You Were Harmed.

Being neurodivergent doesn’t mean you deserved the abuse.
It doesn’t mean you’re harder to love.
It doesn’t mean you should’ve just “communicated better.”

You deserve love that feels safe.
You deserve relationships where your needs aren’t treated like burdens.
You deserve healing — on your terms.

I provide trauma-informed, neurodivergent-affirming counseling for survivors navigating abuse, recovery, and identity. If you’re ready to feel seen and supported without judgment, contact me at: [email protected].